Glub Glub Glub

The feeling of inadequacy is not foreign to me.
In fact I feel it a lot.
And so when I am feeling such despair
I turn inwards and scold myself
saying words and phrases like
Come on Laura. Other people have it worse.
Catch the damn ball. Throw it and make a play.
Only Lacrosse is more complicated than it seems.
And with me so complicated and the sport
so complicated
it only makes the situation more messy.
And so.
I try to find some dignity, some bravery,
a tough skin and other frame of mind
when I don't have to feel
the shame of dropping the ball
and also scrambling for words
that don't seem to leap from my tongue
like they do for other people.
Only when I write
do I feel that I actually have some control
over what I am expressing.
Even music is hard
which is ironic, because
it is a form of self-expression.
Maybe these feelings
are a result of the change in the weather
and the level of tree pollen in the atmosphere
maybe it's me being teenage
but I still am feeling this way.
And when I turn inwards
towards myself
I say. Come on Laura. Make a play.