The feeling of inadequacy is not foreign to me.
In fact I feel it a lot.
And so when I am feeling such despair
I turn inwards and scold myself
saying words and phrases like
Come on Laura. Other people have it worse.
Catch the damn ball. Throw it and make a play.
Only Lacrosse is more complicated than it seems.
And with me so complicated and the sport
so complicated
it only makes the situation more messy.
And so.
I try to find some dignity, some bravery,
a tough skin and other frame of mind
when I don't have to feel
the shame of dropping the ball
and also scrambling for words
that don't seem to leap from my tongue
like they do for other people.
Only when I write
do I feel that I actually have some control
over what I am expressing.
Even music is hard
which is ironic, because
it is a form of self-expression.
Maybe these feelings
are a result of the change in the weather
and the level of tree pollen in the atmosphere
maybe it's me being teenage
but I still am feeling this way.
And when I turn inwards
towards myself
I say. Come on Laura. Make a play.
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This is so good! Do you write a lot of free verse poetry? It seems like you're good at it... Not to destroy the cool poetic-ness by responding in a normal conversation-y way, but I totally feel you on the music-being-a-difficult-form-of-expression thing. I really wish I knew how to express ideas/feelings through music, but it's so hard!
ReplyDeleteAnd, uh, in case you didn't know, you're very not inadequate! You are far better than adequate in most regards. Pretty much all regards :)